I’d like to say that I was the picture of ladylike composure
after Louis broke up with me, but I’m a terrible liar. I’ve always wanted to be
one of those girls that cried for the appropriate amount of days and was able
to pick myself up and have a new beau on my arm by the time of the next social
event. Nope, not me. I’m an ugly, snot running down your face, hiccupping,
crier.
My Mom
was trying to make me feel better after the “break up” (if that’s what you call
it when the other person doesn’t really even think you’re dating) and told me
to look on the bright side because “there are plenty of other matches out there
for you, just get back on it!” Well in my excited state of what I believed to
be a blissfully happy relationship, I cancelled
my subscription. Cool. Hardy har har cupid (or whoever the relationship guru
is) you really got me this time. Jerk.
Have no
fear though! Match.com, ever lovely people that they are, makes it really easy to sign back up. Of course we’ll keep taking your money to
help you find more heartbreak, errr we mean LOVE! So one night, about 2
weeks later, I decided that I was officially over Louis and didn’t want to
waste any more time boohooing over him, I grabbed my credit card and signed
back up! There is a weird trend here with lonely nights, wine, and me signing
up for Match…
I was
so determined to throw myself back in the dating pool that I became a Match.com
maniac. I was all over that web
site. My nightly obsession became
winking at people, looking up new people to wink at, and checking out the guys
that had viewed my profile. There is an amount of time at the beginning of
jumping back into the online dating world where you are going hog wild with
your winking and not really getting anything back. I think this is mostly because other people
have actual lives and things to do at night other than sit on their computers
(this makes me sounds a lot more pathetic than I think I actually was… I
think). After this period of time comes the bombardment. That’s when the people
you were winking furiously at start to respond to you. At first you’re really
excited for the attention and excited that people are actually noticing
you. Then it starts to get weird and
confusing.
Enter
in 2 of my favorite online dating characters, The Creepy Cuddler and Junk Man.
Creepy Cuddler started out with, what seemed to be a nice, normal, guy. He winked at me and we started the process
that is online dating. That’s where the
normalcy ended. First off, he was answering my emails almost instantly. OK, I
might sound like a hypocrite; I was after all about to apply for my second job
as an online dater. But I didn’t want
the guys I was “talking to” to have no lives either! Then he wanted to start chatting on
G-Chat. Match warns against doing that,
but I was a lean, mean, dating machine! I had just ended my first online dating
relationship (it’s just details on who broke up with who)! I knew better than
those Match people. So I accepted his forward G-Chat request and started
chatting away. It was then brought to my
attention that Creepy Cuddler (we’ll call him CC for short) actually lives in Chattanooga,
TN, about 2 hours away from Atlanta. I
am pretty strict about my dating vicinity. Why would I want to start dating
someone long distance right away, especially when there are plenty of eligible
bachelors right here in the Metro Atlanta area?! Red flag #1: this man’s dating
circle was pretty big, desperate or business traveler? I didn’t know, so I
forged on. Then one Sunday night, as I was
sitting on my computer checking Match, eerrr I mean doing lesson plans, CC
asked if I would send him a picture of myself.
First of all, it’s Sunday night.
I didn’t take a shower today, am sitting braless on my couch with my
hair in a rat’s nest and no makeup on. Second of all, there is plenty of great,
hand selected for this purpose, pictures of me on my Match profile! Look at one
of those! In short, no CC you may NOT
see a picture of me sent over G-Chat at this present time. Sorry I’m not
sorry. CC didn’t stop there though; he
then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to come to Atlanta to visit me. WHAT?
We’ve never even talked on the phone! What if you have a creepy voice? And I
hope you know that you’re staying in a hotel because I’m not going to be the
next story for Law and Order. After I talked CC off that crazy train, he jumped
on board the next one coming by and told me that all he wanted to do at that
moment in time was to be cuddled up on a couch with me… Alright dude. This is
over. I’m sufficiently creeped out. Exit: Creepy Cuddler.
Junk
Man’s story is a little shorter. I winked at JM and he then proceeded to
message me. After a few messages of standard topics, i.e. “Where are you from”,
“Why did you move here”, JM then asked me what I did during the day… I don’t know if you think I’m a stripper and
spend my nights at work or something, but I DEFINITELY work during the day…
So I told him, teachers normally teach during the day so I spend my days at
school. All of my red flags were up at
this point, but my curiosity got the better of me so I asked him what he did
during the day. He told me that he
normally works, but that he had just had surgery so was out of commission for a
while. This was normal and while I was
about 95% sure I didn’t want to go on a date with JM, I was still curious. So next question… “What did you have surgery
for?” His response, “I got my junk
operated on”. Exit: Junk Man.
